dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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