some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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