i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
