She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
