The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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