when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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