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this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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