just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
