Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
