Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
