I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
