Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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