thus making me awesome and them whores
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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