saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
