She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
