First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
