I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
