Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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