if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
