I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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