i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
