Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
