big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
