Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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