You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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