So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
