is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
