Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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