May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
