dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
