Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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