People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
