1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
