If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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