Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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