im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
