He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
