Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
