That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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