I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
