Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
