You can't special order awesome
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
no you cant smoke seaweed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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