My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I am mentally ready for anal.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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