Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
