Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
