chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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