he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Let's get the cat blown out
We need to get me chipped asap
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Nobody cheats on THIS.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
