Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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