Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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