If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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