then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
